Bye Bye Baby

Last night when I was putting Gaia to bed I noticed she didn’t quite fit into her Pack n Play bassinet the way she used to. “Hmmm,” I thought, “I don’t remember her feet hanging over the edge like that last week.” And it’s not just her bassinet that has me puzzled. It seems that I’m confronted with the reality of her growing up every day. A couple weeks ago I tried to put her in one of the stripy newborn onesies that were the only thing that fit her for the first month of her life. I should have seen it coming when her head could barely make it through the neck hole. Perhaps that was a clue they’d gotten a little small. Of course it wasn’t until she was snapped in with a killer baby wedgie that I gave in and dressed her in something else. The way she spills over the edges of the newborn hammock in her bathtub, the fact that she sits up and grabs for toys and makes noises... on purpose. She’s even wearing the second size of diapers already. Sigh. Frankly this rapid rate of growth has got to stop. I know, I know, it’s completely normal. Of course I know. But the fact that it’s normal isn’t the least bit comforting when I feel like I’m watching Gaia’s babyhood slip away only eleven weeks after her birth.

Logically I know I’m being silly. Logically I’m glad she’s growing up. Logically I’m proud of every accomplishment and encouraging of her development. Emotionally I wish she’d stay a baby forever. Every time I notice how much she’s grown her whole unlived life flashes before my eyes. Talking, walking, her first day of Kindergarten, boyfriends (or girlfriends... whatever), broken hearts, homework and soccer practice and art class. I see her grow up and I see her leave me and then I cry, which of course makes me feel ridiculous.

The funniest thing about these new emotions? I’ve always been terrified of newborns. I’ve jokingly stated more than once that I wish I could give birth to a three year old. I think I’ve even claimed I’d go through the process of carrying and birthing a toddler to not have to deal with a newborn baby. Of course, you know, I wouldn’t because that’s just weird. Anyway, after mocking them for years I now understand the women who keep having babies every time their youngest starts approaching toddlerhood. Last week I even tried to convince Jose we should have another one, like, tomorrow if possible. Of course his valid points about focussing on a) getting him into the country, b) us both finding full-time jobs and c) finding our own place to live hesitantly dissuaded me. Not to mention the fact Gaia’s not even three months old. Seriously people, what’s happened to me?

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: “Kids... (sigh) ... they grow up so fast.”

Now I’m off to take the bassinet out of the Pack n Play and weep.