A friend of mine posted this article on Facebook. I think it's a little extreme but it's certianly a good read. I'm wholly on-board with the Free Range Kids philosophy and I think this is central to what the article is getting at (even though it's never mentioned). I want to raise an independent child with a wicked immune system who has a mother who lives her dreams, even if that means she has to spend a fair few hours self-occupying and occasionally eats Cheetos for dinner (not that that ever happens in our house, ahem). I spent many a year working in daycares and felt bad for the kids who had no problem solving skills, cried at the drop of a hat and couldn't even use the toilet on their own. Their parents had become so obsessed with everything that was bad for them I was dealing with 6-year-olds who had never made a single independent choice. Needless to say these kids were in no way prepared for life on the outside. I don't think NOT over-parenting makes me "mediocre", in fact I think it means I'm going to raise someone who can one day function in our less than perfect society. And isn't that sort of my job as a mother?
Thoughts?
Wow, very interesting topic.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Wente in this way: As a mother, I'm not afraid to cut myself some slack. But if as a rule I shrug off issues like chemical overload, climate change and food source, it's because I'm lazy and a poor citizen and I shouldn't be labeling it "free range parenting".
The poor practices of her mother's generation, and subsequent generations, are exactly why we have a massive job to improve the world for said generation's great-grandchildren. Things did not turn out "all right". And my job as a mother is to improve my child's chances for a long and healthy life by whatever means I can. If every mother had the means to do this, humanity might be able to staunch the incredible environmental and social tragedies that are likely coming our way.
--Monica
Not sure if this is entirely related, but for some reason it felt like a nice rebuttal to Wente's article:
ReplyDeletehttp://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2010/07/myths_of_incompetence.php
-- Monica
Thanks for the comment, you always have such insight! I think the issue here is taking things to the extreme. Can we do better? Always. But should we be so scared of every germ and toxin that we shield our kids from everything that could harm them? No. Well, not in my opinion. As I said I do think Wente goes to an extreme (media!?! going to an extreme!?! I'm shocked!) but she gets to the heart of the issue. I also believe that doing the best you can as a global citizen isn't always the same as putting insane pressure on yourself as a mother.
ReplyDeleteTrue. But I think maybe the home front is the canary in the coal mine for how humanity is doing overall. So why point the finger at mothers, like it's a fault?
ReplyDeleteAlso, why mothers as a group? Why not go after single, unmarried vegans? Those are the people who have time to be obsessive about every little friggin' choice. Darn vegans. (I'm kidding)
--Monica
A preface to my diatribe: Until the final paragraph, I am talking about the first article and only the first article. Oh, and sorry that this became a blog post in and of itself.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking on this for a while. I agree with Monica that isolating motherhood in this way seems contrived and, to me, condescending. There is very little in this article that is solely related to parenting but she makes it sound as if because we have children we are more susceptible to making poor decisions for ourselves.
For example, I was chatting with my SIL about this and we both discussed the fact that we don't care about pesticides simply because of our children. I would be buying organic/washing my apples regardless because I care about my own health, the health of the workers who pick the fruit, and the health of the planet.
I agree that the perceived threats change from generation to generation, but that comes with new awareness. Child abuse was not a new problem and just because "no one had heard of [it]" didn't make it any less real. The pendulum had to swing in order for it to reach a point of balance. It is the same thing with the eco-movement.
I am also troubled by the implicit suggestions that having a child shouldn't alter our lives in any way and that caring for someone else and working hard on the home front are undesirable and oppressive tasks. Perhaps they are for some, but those some surely get pleasure from hard work elsewhere. Does that mean that their jobs or hobbies are oppressive?
This idea that everything should be easy and that convenience = freedom is pervasive among our youth and it churns my stomach. Anything worth having takes work. I get a lot of pleasure from my job (most days), but I also get a ton of satisfaction from cooking a good, wholesome, homemade meal for my family(which doesn't always happen and I'm ok with that, too). BUT, I contracted out the baking of my girl's First Birthday Cake because I couldn't be bothered. It doesn't make me bad, lazy, or "mediocre," it makes me human. Everyone gets satisfaction from doing something well and so long as we model that in some respect to our kids, I think we're ok. I trust myself to seek balance in my life-- between work and motherhood, between the "I" and the "we"-- and I think we should trust other mothers to do the same.
This author appears to be falling into a common trap of feminism-- buying into the patriarchal propaganda that mothering (read: parenting/the domestic realm/caring for others) is less valuable than other forms of work. Why else would she be targeting these domestic duties rather than criticizing how oppressive full-time work can be? But we call striving to do well at our jobs ambition and striving to do well at parenting obsessive and oppressive.
ReplyDeleteWhen N was first born I perceived a lot of external pressure to do things a certain way. I slowly learned that I needed to do things in a way that worked for me and my family. By worked, I mean that my needs to feel both like I am making even a little global difference and to be sane had to be met. I still struggle with that each day, but it's a struggle I'm winning.
If anything, I perceive the problem in the mothering community to be a major case of insecurity, especially in new moms, about the decisions we make. Regardless of whether or not one cares about the eco-movement, moms perceive external pressure often where there is none. Sure there are mommy bloggers (who, us?) who tout a certain "style" of parenting, but no one is keeping score but ourselves. I think we need to woman-up and own our decisions regardless of whether or not some expert with some book can back them up. This is not to say we shouldn't seek to be informed, but rather than labeling "I am a (insert buzz method here) parent," and trying to uphold someone else's standards we need to see it as a la carte. We all take some from here and some from there to make it work.
How we parent (we being parents in general) is going to differ based on our priorities and values. Our priorities and values are going to differ based on how we were raised and our present situation. Our present situation is going to differ based on our income, our supports, and the personality of the kids we have (much of which I believe is innate). I agree with the goals of Free Range Parenting, but what that looks like is going to differ from household to household. Some kids thrive in situations with fewer boundaries. Others flounder. We all just have to make it up as we go and trust that others are doing the best they can in their given situation.
I think the whole point of this article, one that has clearly rubbed both you and Monica the wrong way, is that we have the right, as mothers, to cut ourselves some slack and not feel pressured or pinned down by having to always make the choices for our children and our families that are championed as RIGHT (do this! do this!) this week, month or year. And isn’t that really what you’re saying too Brenda? I don’t think it’s that women are suddenly stupid or “more susceptible to making poor decisions for ourselves” as soon as we become mothers, but I do know that I have never had such responsibility and been more second guessed in my life and frankly, I do find it oppressive. Now, that’s not my daughter’s fault, but everything around me (friends, family, print and television media, the internet) that tells me, in ways not so subtle, how I should be raising my child. I often feel paralysed by having to do “the right thing” as opposed to what I honestly believe is best for my child. Not every mother believes the same thing or holds the same values. Call me a monster, but I value independence and free-will over organic apples and a toxin-free existence. That doesn’t mean I won’t strive to educate Gaia about just what’s going on in our world, just that instead of pushing my agenda I’d rather give her the freedom to find her own. I may be making the wrong choices, but I’d like to think it’s my right to do so. I don’t think the article suggests we shouldn’t change our habits or lifestyle when we have children, rather I think it suggests not feeling so pressured by all the information flying at us that we suddenly loose every trace of the person we worked so hard to cultivate for (in my case) 28 years. As a mother there have been times I feel I’m so overwhelmed I can’t even make a decision. Thankfully, as I become more comfortable in this role those times are fewer and further between. I think back to the first months after Gaia was born and I know I’ve never been less of a critical thinker then I was then as I was grasping at straws instead of trusting my instincts. That just doesn’t sit well with me. And yes, I do believe some jobs and hobbies are oppressive, which we see every day as people break down from the stress of work they don’t love to make money for things they don’t need. But suggest that mothering isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and that some people need a life outside of it and you’re anti-child, anti-woman and anti-mother. I don’t think the author is claiming mothering is less valuable, but that some people are not cut out to be full time, organic living, umbrella parents. I am one of them. I strive to do well at parenting, but if I do it in a way that isn’t the norm I am often criticised. THIS IS THE PROBLEM. And I don’t think it’s perceived. I can think of a number of examples, where I’ve been told straight out or subtly, that the choices I am making are not the right ones. I don’t mind hard work, but I don’t see the point of working at something that I don’t even believe is right for my family, just like I wouldn’t stay in a career that I didn’t have a passion for, all for the sake of a job well done. The reason I referenced “Free Range Parenting” is that it is what sits well with me instinctually. It’s how I parent Gaia anyway and I’m glad that there are people out there with the same ideas as me that can give me some sense that the choices I make (based on MY values for MY family) are not totally off base. I would never criticise someone’s right to parent as they choose, I just ask that I’m not criticised or labelled “mediocre” for parenting my child as I choose.
ReplyDeleteAnother long one...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you "often feel paralysed" and in no way meant to suggest that your feelings aren't real or valid.
We are all looking to move through this world without being criticized or judged, however, when others make judgments that differ from our own, there is always an implicit suggestion (or explicit as in the case of nosy aunts or old biddies on the bus... kidding... sort of) that one choice is believed to be better than another.
For example: "Call me a monster, but I value independence and free-will over organic apples and a toxin-free existence." I could read this as an assertion that I am valuing organic apples over my daughter's independence and that it follows that because I choose organic apples I would believe you are monstrous for not doing so. The fact is that neither are the case. I also value my daughter's independence and whether or not you choose organic apples is neither here nor there to me. I would never dream of labeling you mediocre for this reason. And anyone who would is obviously super insecure in their own choices. That's why we put others down-- to make ourselves feel better about our own uncertainties.
I suppose that was my biggest problem with the article-- the incredibly negative connotation and sweeping generalizations about women who do choose to be the kinds of mothers she criticizes. In the same breath that she was asking some women to cut themselves some slack (which is completely fine by me), she was hanging the rest out to dry. As if women who breastfeed in public (especially those who choose to extend breastfeeding past infancy) don't get their fair share of criticism. As if women who choose to stay home and home school their kids don't hear about how un-feminist it is not to pursue a life and career of their own. Depending on what lens you see the world through, any choice can be oppressive.
You say, "I may be making the wrong choices, but I’d like to think it’s my right to do so" and I think that's what we're all doing, how we all feel, and what we all want. There are no "right" answers and the sooner The Motherhood realizes this, the better.
"Suggest that mothering isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and that some people need a life outside of it and you’re anti-child, anti-woman and anti-mother." I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. The "Bad Mommy" discourse (not my term, but the self-labeling of a particular group) has been around for a few years now-- plenty of women make their millions from it. Dooce takes in six digits a quarter between her books and her blog. These women have done a lot to bring the downside of mommyhood into the spotlight and begin discussions about the fact that motherhood isn't all it was once cracked up to be. This is an invaluable and undoubtedly feminist exercise. And though not everyone has accepted it, I would argue that it is pretty common place to hear moms talking frankly about the challenges of motherhood. Now, this is just my experience, which of course leaves room for other experiences and opinions to be had.
ReplyDeleteI agree that negative criticism is a huge obstacle for mothers. And while we need to continue to strive for a more accepting universe (for mothers and for all), I think we also need to be proactive. If we sit and wait for everyone else to stop judging, we will still be waiting when our grandchildren have grandchildren. That's why I think women need to take more control and rock their motherhood, whatever fashion it may be. The more confident non-conformist mothers there are out there undaunted by *tsks* and dirty looks, the more expansive and inclusive the "norm" becomes.
So-- I hope you didn't take offense to my response or read it as a judgment of you because I admire you as a mother (and as a woman independent of her child) and always thoughtfully consider decisions you have made when trying to make my own.
I hope you are able to avoid the people and places who try to bring you down and find more places where and people with whom you feel supported in your parenting.
And I sincerely hope I am in the second group and not the first. :)
Let me just start of by saying two things:
ReplyDelete1. I love that I am surrounded by people who take the time to read my thoughts and opinions and offer their own. I have nothing but respect for everyone who believes in something enough to say it out loud. This is how I grow and I am very lucky to constantly be pushed to think critically by those who surround me.
2. I know and respect you Ms. Mama Pants and never meant to suggest that I felt attacked, or to attack you myself. So sorry if, in my passion for this subject, I crossed any lines. That was 100% unintentional. In the end I feel we both believe the same thing – that mothers shouldn’t be targets for judgement regardless of their choices – we just get there on different paths.
One thing I liked so much about this article is that I’ve been bombarded with others advocating natural childbirth and organic everything and avoiding toxins and occupying your child 24-7 and attachment parenting. What I don’t see often is the opposite approach. It’s a fact of life that we all hold some things of greater value than others. We do this, not just as mothers but as people. One person's mediocre is anothers person's magnificent. Where everything falls on one’s own value scale is their own choice and all I’m saying is that they (we) should be free to make it without the pressure of judgement, or feeling trapped in other people’s agendas or being made to feel less than. My values may not be yours (the generalised world “you”), or I may balance them differently or put focus on some before others... AND THAT’S OKAY! None of us is monstrous. If we’re doing our best every day to make choices that are right for their families.
And you are right, the article is full of negativity and generalizations and on a whole is not an objective piece of journalism. As I said in the initial post, it’s extreme, I think likely in an attempt at some sort of self deprecating humour. I think this also may come as a direct response to articles like those I mentioned being bombarded with, where I feel like mothers who don’t opt for a natural childbirth or who let their child cry-it-out or who put their babies in front of the TV for fifteen minutes so they can do dishes are often painted as uneducated, weak or downright cruel. You are right, any choice can be oppressive depending on your lens, which is why we should be making choices based on how we see the world... how we feel... what works for US... instead of what’s being suggested as right from the outside. Obviously, this conversation goes far beyond this article and, as you said, is one that permeates the mommy-blogosphere etc. but I don’t think it’s nearly wide-spread enough. I am lucky enough to have access to the internet and literature and a group of friends who think critically and carefully about motherhood. This dialogue has been a very steady part of my life since Gaia was born, but not everyone is as lucky or has such access. Perhaps I’m being naive to think that running a story like this in a mainstream national newspaper might be a step to bridging that gap, but maybe not.
I guess in the end my point is not that my way is any better than anyone else’s way, but that we all have our own way and that’s okay (free to be baby... free to be). I would never judge mothers; however I like to cut myself some slack when I judge judgers, which is how I read the article. But you’re right. It is throwing out judgement and I allowed myself to ignore it because it was refreshing to be on the other side for a change. When the author makes careless cracks about mothers “at Whole Foods, filling up at the quinoa bin, towing tots armoured in hats, sunglasses, and SPF 100 sunscreen” I can’t help but think of the people she describes and how they clearly looked down on me (some even approaching me at a coffee shops/restaurants/baby yoga) when I bottle-fed Gaia as an infant. Of course, having wanted to breastfeed so badly this is, of course, a pretty touchy subject and one that gets stirred up whenever a conversation of this nature comes up. Troubled as it might be, what I got out of the article, and what I’d hoped others would see in it when I posted, was exactly what I’ve been saying all along, which is that all mothers need to cut themselves some slack. I don’t think anyone could disagree with that. Especially after spending a few months with an infant.
ReplyDeleteExcellent wrap up to an excellent discussion. Thanks!
ReplyDelete